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TMI Valentines

February 11, 2010 – 8:30 am | by admin

MOM ALERT: today’s Wrecks may start some awkward conversations with the kids. When choosing sweets for your Sweet this week, think twice before going with one of these. The cocky Wreckerator strikes again! (Although s/he seems a bit unsure:”Huge.. Me…”?) I’ve heard of taking a flying leap before, but this is ridiculous. Stores aren’t really helping with their Valentines’ displays, either: Something about this sign just rubs me the wrong way. I wish I could say “breast” is a Freudian slip here, but it isn’t. (I’ll spare you *that* picture, though. Heh.) Still, the way this is phrased makes me wonder why some guy named Valentine is demanding we women yell instructions at one of our wachungas. ( “You there! Lefty! Stop slouching and face front!” ) And finally, the sure-fire mood killer: “Darlin’, let’s make a really ugly baby together. Or maybe just eat this one.” Grant H., Anthony S., Meredith S., Jennifer S., & Jen F., that baby cake would be a hilarious Valentine for an ex. Not that I’m encouraging that kind of thing, of course. – Related Wreckage: Heart Expressions

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Tags: choosing-sweets, expressions, mithspellings, mom, oh poop, really-helping, recipes, related, sweet, valentine, wachungas

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Look Out, Germany

January 26, 2010 – 9:25 am | by admin

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty much an expert on the German language. Yep. Two point five years of public high school German right heeere , playah ! In fact, I would be saying all this ” auf Deutsch ,” but I don’t want to dazzle y’all with my linguistic…um…awesomeness. Anyway, I mention this because today’s Wreck is so hilariously horrendous that I may have to lapse into German to adequately describe it. Ready? Here goes: Gross unpassend fliegend Fekalie -Kuchen! Taschenrechner ! ! Wo IST die Toiletin ? Fahrvergnugen ? Ich bin ein Berliner! Schnell ! Schnell ! Ahem. Well, I think that gets the point across. It should be noted that the cake was supposed to read, “Germany, here we come!” (Ah, those pesky, hilarity-inducing rhymes.) Whether the cake was supposed to look like a baked poo souffle with a side of #2 nuggets, however, is anyone’s guess. (Although I’m guessing “no.”) Hey, Sarah R., keep it down, will ya? – Related Wreckage: Oh, It Sends a Message, Alright Note from john: Since I don’t sprecht Deutsh, I don’t know what half of you are saying. Please, no clever Germanic cussing. There’s probably at

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Tags: ahem-well, because-today, cake, german, gets-the-point, keep-it-down, linguistic, oh poop, recipes, related

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Merry Misfits

December 8, 2009 – 8:30 am | by admin

Unfortunately, these guys tend to get passed over come pageant time. First there’s Ginger, the deranged, dandruff-riddled cookie: Sure she’s a bit flaky, but be careful; Ginger snaps. Then there’s Harry, the five o’clock shadow elf: As you can see, Harry likes to make a pig of himself. Poopsie & Flopsie always know how to bring the holiday cheer: Yep. Once they leave, everyone is MUCH more cheerful. Humpty here likes to talk with his hands: I would translate, but there are children present. Then there’s Tiny: I tried to warn Tiny about cutting in front of that shaman , but would he listen? Noooo. [singing] But do you recaaall… The most famous misfit of all? Yes, it’s… Poo-Dolph, the Bulldozed, Slain Deer! Jessica S., Kim C., Erin F., Mike Y., & Anony M., I totally need Poo-Dolph on a t-shirt. – Related Wreckage: The Haunted Holidays

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Tags: deranged, ginger, harry, holiday, holiday-cheer, oh poop, recipes, slain-deer, the-deranged

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"Serious" Eats

September 22, 2009 – 8:30 am | by admin

For day two of our CW “Virtual” Tour we’ll be virtually visiting Serious Eats . This food blog has something for everyone, whether you’re a seasoned foodie (heh, “seasoned”) or a bumbling incompetent in the kitchen like myself. So in honor of the occasion, here are some of the least appetizing food cakes I could find. Yeah. You’re welcome, foodies. Let’s kick things off with a zesty selection of grilling poo, shall we? Bam! There’s nothing quite like charbroiled poo patties, is there? “Abort! Abort! Those aren’t sausages!! ” And speaking of flaming piles of…er, flames …how about some Smores? That’s everything you need right there: graham crackers, chocolate, airbrushed marshmallows on popsicle sticks, and enough red dye to give your dentist nightmares. Mmm. Sometimes John and I worry that we eat take-out just a little too much. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones, though: That’s a grooms’ cake (note the oh-so-matrimonial rose petals). I especially love how the baker just cut out the Taco Bell logo and bells from the paper wrappers. Heh. And lastly, I’d like to share my very own Cake Wrecks Wreck-cipe: Step 1) Find a dropped cake that is beyond all hope of repair. (Alternatively, you can substitute a cake you dropped yourself….

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Tags: dentist, down-the-middle, food, from-the-paper, graham-crackers, interview, kitchen, mixed-grill, oh poop, popsicle-sticks, reminder, serious-eats-, tonight-at-5pm, wants-sprinkles

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Who Ordered the Poo Poo Platter?

July 7, 2009 – 8:34 am | by admin

Some Wrecks are misspelled, Some use rapier wit. Others are just ugly, But these are full of… uh, poo-like frosting clumps. Can you handle the truth, Mandy F.? Amy H. & Clinton C., who gets to dig the plastic plate out of all that frosting, and who gets to pinch off one of those “logs”? Whatever you do, Jan A., do NOT zoom in on that mouse butt. Don’t do it. Ashley, as far as ads for fast-acting laxatives go, this one could be a tad more subtle. And finally, Melissa H. found this perfect pile: Yech. Let’s just hope that “cowboy rope” has nothing to do with those nasty rumors about John Wayne’s colon. Although, serving these kind of cupcakes certainly would make an impact , don’t you think? Related Wreckage: And For That Crowning Touch…

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Tags: clinton, oh poop, perfect, pinch-off-one, plastic, serving-these, truth, whatever

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